Quotifications, picked up here, there, and yon, and never destined to be any more organized than what you find below...

And alien tears will fill for him
Piety's long broken urn.
For his mourners will be outcast men
And outcasts always mourn.
Oscar Wilde's grave

Life may not be fair, but it sure is equitable.

The world was made for people who aren't cursed with self awareness.

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. G.B. Shaw

My enemies I can handle. It's my friends who keep me walking the floor at night. Warren G. Harding

If I should live to a ripe old age
May I possess some bit of individuality, charm and wit,
That I may not be discarded when I am withered, worn, and weak,
But sought after & cherished like a fine antique.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.

Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity. Oprah Winfrey

If people don't want to come out to the ball park nobody's going to stop them. Yogi Berra

The shortest distance between two points is always under construction. Noelie Alito

After thirty, a body has a mind of its own. Bette Midler

If your friend won't lend you fifty dollars, he's probably a close friend.

Clothes don't make a man, but clothes have got many a man a good job. Herbert Harold Vreeland

A true friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else. Len Wien

Great moments in science: Einstein discovers that time is actually money. Gary Larson

Be true to your teeth or your teeth will be false to you. Dental proverb

And now the journey is over. Too short, alas, too short. It was filled with adventure and wisdom, laughter and love, gallantry and grace. So farewell, farewell. Jackie Kennedy's funeral

A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic. Ralph Waldo Emerson

If Christ were here now, there is one thing he would not be – a Christian. Mark Twain

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to the garage makes you a car. Laurence J. Peter

Decency...must be an even more exhausting state to maintain than its opposite. Those who succeed seem to need a stupefying amount of sleep. Quentin Crisp

I drink only to make other people seem more interesting. George Jean Nathan

Smoking is, as far as I am concerned, the entire point of being an adult. Many people find smoking objectionable. I myself find many – even more – things objectionable. I do not like aftershave lotion, adults who rollerskate, children who speak French, or anyone who is unduly tan. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs. Fran Lebowitz

There is an old motto that runs, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." This is nonsense. It ought to read, "If at first you don't succeed, quit, quit at once." Stephen Leacock

Thank heavens, the sun has gone in and I don't have to go out and enjoy it. Logan Pearsall Smith

I have no need of your goddamned sympathy. I wish only to be entertained by some of your grosser reminiscences. Alexander Wolcott

A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one. Kin Hubbard

If a young writer can refrain from writing, he shouldn't hesitate to do so. Andre Gide

One of the delights known to age, and beyond the grasp of youth, is that of Not Going. J.B. Priestly

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around. Herb Caen

That's not writing, that's typing. Capote on Kerouac

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your intelligence. William F. Buckley, Jr.

Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill all and you are God. Jean Rostand

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand. Charles Schultz

A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. Oscar Wilde

It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich. Alan Alda

Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy, and dead. James Thurber

In heaven all the interesting people are missing. Nietzsche

When I think of the number of disagreeable people that I know who have gone to a better world, I am sure Hell won't be so bad after all. Mark Twain

I've decided to skip "holistic." I don't know what it means and I don't want to know. That may seem extreme, but I followed the same strategy toward "gestalt" and the twist and lived to tell the tale. Calvin Trillin

The amount of noise which anyone can bear undisturbed stands in inverse proportion to his mental capacity. Arthur Schopenhauer

Psychoanalysis makes quite simple people feel they're complex. S.N. Behrmen

I just want to make one brief statement about psychoanalysis: Fuck Dr. Freud. Oscar Levant

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. Evelyn Waugh

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies. Fran Lebowitz

I can't take a well-tanned person seriously. Cleveland Amory

In the fight between you and the world, back the world. Frank Zappa

If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle. Rita Mae Brown

Razors pain you
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
Dorothy Parker

I am a human being: do not fold, spindle, or mutilate. Hippy Slogan

Candy is dandy But liquor is quicker. Ogden Nash

There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good she was very good
And when she was bad she was very popular. Max Miller

Flattery is all right so long as you don't inhale. Adlai Stevenson

Mary had a little lamb. The doctor fainted.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning it that it can only mean one thing. Ronnie Barker

A thing of beauty is a joy until morning.

Tell me about yourself – your struggles, your dreams, your telephone number. Peter Arno

I know nothing about platonic love, except that it is not to be found in the works of Plato Edgar Jepson

If there's anything that you want,
If there's anything I can do,
Just call on me,
And I'll send it along with love from me to you.
John Lennon

Night & day, you are the one,
Only you beneath the moon and under the sun.
Cole Porter

I love thee for a heart that's kind – Not for the knowledge in thy mind. W.H. Davies

The heart has its reasons which reason does not know. Blaise Pascal

A place in my heart thou hast ever,
And today this greeting I send,
For absence and time cannot sever
The love of a trusted friend.

I always eat peas with honey. I've done it all my life. They do taste kind of funny, But it keeps them on the knife.

Ave Caesar, morituri te salutant

Oh, thou are fairer than the evening air
Clad in the beauty of a thousand stars.
Christopher Marlowe

Strange how potent cheap music is. Noel Coward

Home is heaven and orgies are vile
But you need an orgy, once in a while.
Ogden Nash

A good deed is never lost. He who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love. Richard Brooks

When I look in the mirror and see these lines, I think of the men who put them there. Jeanne Moreau

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. Sacha Guitry

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. Henry David Thoreau

"Est ihsht ein klein welt" It's a small world after all.

It's a scientific fact that if you stay in California you lose one point of your IQ every year. Truman Capote

My creed is that: Happiness is the only good. The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to make others so. Robert G. Ingersoll

Friendship between two persons depends upon the patience of one. Indian saying

A man does not have to be an angel in order to be a saint. Albert Schweitzer

I am part of all the people I have known...we would not survive were it not for our friends, who simply by being our friends, harrowed hell for us. Madeline L'Engle

I'm probably not a very complex person, honestly. What you see is what you get. Mike Bowers

You write with ease to show your breeding, but easy writing's curst hard reading. Richard Sheridan

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal. Jane Austen

Being born in a duckyard does not matter, if only you are hatched from a swan's egg. Hans Christian Andersen

The difference between the almost-right word and the right word is really a large matter – it's the difference between the lightening bug and the lightening. Mark Twain

As to the adjective: when in doubt, strike it out. Mark Twain

Put all your eggs in one basket and – WATCH THAT BASKET. Mark Twain

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Mark Twain

Friendship is far more tragic than love. It lasts longer. Oscar Wilde

Nothing is so dangerous as being too modern. One is apt to grow old-fashioned quite suddenly. Oscar Wilde

It is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read. Oscar Wilde

It requires merely physical courage to sacrifice oneself. To sacrifice others moral courage is necessary. Oscar Wilde

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious. Oscar Wilde

I wish to have no connection with any ship that does not sail fast, for I intend to go in harm's way. John Paul Jones

Our ancestors are very good kind of folks; but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with. Richard Sheridan

Gaudeamus igitur, Iuvenes dum sumus. (Let us live then and be glad while young life is before us.)

Mater artium necessitas. (Necessity is the mother of invention.)

Summum ius summa iniuria (extreme justice is extreme injustice)

ubi bene ibi patria (where one is happy, there's one's homeland)

vade in pace (go in peace)

He that lives upon hope will die fasting. Ben Franklin

You and I were long friends:
you are now my enemy, and I am
Yours, Ben Franklin

Tell me what company thou keepest, and I'll tell thee what thou art. Miguel de Cervantes

Fate chooses your relatives, you choose your friends. Jacques DeLille

Friends are God's apology for relations. Hugh Kingsmill

Do. Or do not. There is no try. Yoda

A snarl, a sneer, and a whip that stings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Part of being Irish is knowing that someday the world will break your heart. Daniel Patrick Moynihan

Carnation milk is the best in the land;
Here I sit with a can in my hand –
No tits to pull, no hay to pitch,
You just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.
David Ogilvy

Great courage is required to take a seemingly unheroic action. US Military

Religion is like underwear; you assume the next guy has it, but you don't want to hear the details. Vent, Atlanta Journal

When peacelike a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll,
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

And I don't care if they eat me alive
I've got better things to do than survive.
I've got the memory of your warm skin in my hands,
I've got visions of blue sky and dry land.
a.d. Swan Dive

Summer has set in with its usual severity. Samuel Taylor Coleridge

An Irishman has an abiding sense of tragedy which sustains him through temporary periods of joy.

You must either conquer and rule or serve and lose, suffer or triumph, be the anvil or the hammer. Goethe

If you don't change your beliefs, your life will be like this forever. Is that good news? Dr. Robert Anthony

Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. Gene Fowler

Often the surest way to convey misinformation is to tell the strict truth. Puddinhead Wilson

The world stands out on either side, no wider than the heart is wide.
Above the world is stretched the sky, no higher than the soul is high. Edna St. Vincent Millay

If a human being is condemned and restricted to perform the same functions over and over again, he will not even be a good ant, not to mention a good human being. Norbert Wiener

Creative minds always have been known to survive any kind of bad training. Anna Freud

Work as if you don't need the money. Love as if you've never been hurt. And dance as if no one's watching.

Sometimes it's best to be quiet and listen. Sometimes it's best not to.

Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons to promote the good and happiness of one another. Eustace Budgell

For a man's house is his castle.

Happy is the house that shelters a friend. Emerson

The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it. Emerson

Let me live in a house by the side of the road and be a friend to man. Ross

Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers, "Grow, grow." The Talmud

More than once I've awakened with tears running down my cheeks. I have had to think whether I was crying or whether it was involuntary, like drooling. Jenny Holzer

Every man wishes to be wise, and they who cannot be wise are almost always cunning. Samuel Johnson

It doesn't matter if I burn my bridges behind me. I never retreat. Fiorello LaGuardia

Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die. Carmen Boyle

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. Sharon Stone

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do. Henry Kissinger

My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she's reading. Steve Jobs

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee – the natural enemy of a tightrope walker. Dan Rather

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" Arnold Schwarzenegger

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport of white men dressed like black pimps. Tiger Woods

I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. Jerry Garcia

My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son-of-a-bitch. Jack Nicholson

The web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire," and the computer will ask "Specify type of goat." Jason Alexander

I love my past. I love my present. I'm not ashamed of what I had, and I'm not sad because I have it no longer. Colette

If the fools do not control the world, it isn't because they aren't in the majority. Edgar Watson Howe

In the fields of observation, chance favors only the mind that is prepared. Louis Pasteur

Some folk want their luck buttered. Thomas Hardy

And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln

I'm whoopin' up a batch of Cold-hearted Me and all it needs is a spoonful of Screw You to make a perfect brew...so if you can't take the heat, get the hell out of my kitchen. Heartless Bitches

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen

Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish. Ovid

Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana.

Ham and eggs – a day's work for the chicken, a lifetime commitment for the pig.

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