31 May 2002, 4:03 peeyem

I am having dessert for dinner tonight. It's been one of those weeks. And every now and again, a girl needs a little milk-soaked sugary goodness in its tres leches format.

30 May 2002, 1:44 peeyem

Letters! I get letters!

This is what Karen Mock said:

You were going somewhere. Obviously, your slacker tendency won out over any desire to recall where you were going with that thought. Thanks for the chuckle.

30 May 2002, 10:25 ayem

John, one of my tennis friends, and I agreed last night that being smart enough to get good grades without trying is a curse, because you never really learn how to apply yourself to anything. Well, that and the ever-looming question of what's the very least I can do and still get out of this ahead? Each and every progress report I ever got said something on the order of "Susan is a very smart girl. She could be an A student if she would apply herself."

That was going somewhere, but I forget where.

29 May 2002, 11:08 ayem

In my ongoing efforts at home improvement, I decided last night would be the night that I caulked the bathroom window. I went, Trace in tow, to the Home Depot and 'splained what my problems were. Patrick was quite helpful in telling me what I would need for this task. He even found for me the tube of silicone caulk that would make my world right.

I very carefully asked "Is this all I need? This tube right here?"

"Yes, ma'am," he said, "this will do you up right."

"And I don't need anything else?"

"Nope, just this right here."

So I left with it.

I called Leanne as I was about to start my little project, because how hard can it be to talk and squeeze shit out of a tube? Good grief, I brush my teeth a lot, so I'm even capable of doing it in a straight line. Only it wouldn't come out of the tube. Leanne suggested that I step on it to get it going. It got going, all right. It got going with great force out the back end of the tube. Leanne snickered and I told her she wouldn't be laughing when she had to come over with that key to my house and get my hands unstuck one from the other.

Of course, at this point, my hands weren't stuck together.

But while I had it all over me anyway, I smudged it where it needed to be. Then my hands were stuck together.

I hied myself off to the kitchen to wash them, but that made matters worse, what with it being waterproof and all. Leanne, picking up on the anxiety of the situation said, "Now just stop what you're doing. I'll go get some solvent and be there in a jif."

It seemed like a good idea at that point to finish up the smoothing, so I did. Then I put my hand inside a plastic grocery bag so I could turn on the television and wait for her to get there, but then the temptation to touch things started getting to me, so I decided maybe I'd better go sit on the porch and wait. I knew there was a pack of cigarettes in the junk drawer in the kitchen so I took them with me.

I have been worried for some time now that I would thumb lock the doorknob on the way out and lock myself out of the house. As the door clicked shut, I realized that I had done just that. I was now on the porch, able to watch, but not hear, the television, and hear the phone ringing. So I lit a cigarette. Turns out it's not as easy as you might think to smoke with a plastic bag on your hand with your fingers stuck together, not to mention the toxic (and possibly flammable) chemicals I was now covered in.

The longer I sat out there in my flipflops with the bag on my hand, the more anxious I became, until my palms started sweating and the goobage started bubbling and I could peel some of it off.

Three cigarettes later, Leanne pulled up in the drive, laughing, toting a container of Krud Kutter wipes, which I think is just a baby aspirin scented version of Wet Ones. She said the man at the Home Depot had never heard of anyone getting adhesed together.

Just for your edification, you need a caulk gun for that shit.

28 May 2002, 4:28 peeyem

Rule #3: No matter how brilliant it is, someone will find fault. Ignore this person.

28 May 2002, 3:25 peeyem

Rule #2: Never tell them everything you are capable of, lest they want you to do it all at one time.

28 May 2002, 2:16 peeyem

Rule #1: Everything takes longer than you think it will.

28 May 2002, 1:34 peeyem

My wish for today is that the weather will stay just like this. It's a little bit breezy and a little bit warm. The sky is the blue in my dreams, and the clouds are those fluffy white ones that you can assign animals and Disney characters to.

Spent Memorial Day weekend in Montgomery with Leanne. Turns out there's only one road out of Montgomery, and to get to it, you have to find the mouth of the cave, which is obscured by kudzu. We were only about 6 miles from downtown, but we didn't once try to get there that we didn't get lost first...one time we actually went almost to Selma. We covered a great deal of ground on Sunday, but more about that later, and then saw Bonnie Raitt Sunday evening. We spent most of the weekend laughing so hard we were nearly crying.

Back to the salt mines.

24 May 2002, 11:00 ayem

Be careful what you ask for...

I wanted to get my company's website out of my hair and I finally have all the information for it and I can't figure out how to flush something to the top. I am considering pulling all my hair out and having a hissy fit. It doesn't help that I have the attention span of a small winged insect.

On another note, this from my friend Kat, who is wise beyond her years:

The truth is that the past doesn't go away, it just sleeps sometimes.
The truth is that we are lonely all our lives.
The truth is that sometimes strangers make the best friends.
The truth is that it's all very close together, from far enough away.
The truth is that they aren't more afraid of you than you are of them.
The truth is that it hurts sometimes.
The truth is that everything crumbles eventually.
The truth is that the little things mean everything.

This prompted me to come up with my own list of truths:

You can't make somebody love you, and you can't keep somebody from dying.
Bad things happen to good people. bad things also happen to bad people.
All sicknesses don't mean death, and all goodbyes don't mean gone.
There's more than one way to skin a cat and they're all loud and messy.
Sometimes it's okay to take the easy way out.
There's only room for me inside my head.
You can be right or you can be happy.
Never do anything you know you'll have to apologize for, and if you
   do it anyway, don't apologize for it.

22 May 2002, 1:28 peeyem

Little House in the 'Hood

Most of my friends know that I live in an area that remains to be gentrified. That said, I've never felt unsafe in my little house on my little street, despite the crackhouse.

There has been a mumbling lady making laps around the block. She seems fairly harmless, if somewhat addled.

Last night when I got home, she shouted at me from the street that she's not a murderer. I didn't much think she was anyway, but I said, "Okay," thinking to go about my bidness. But no, she asked if she could talk to me for a minute. I had a fleeting thought that she was going to try to help me find her own private Jesus, but (fool that I am) said yes anyway. So she came up to the car and told me that her car had broken down and she was trying to scrape up enough money to ride MARTA so she could get her baby off that corner. When she grinned at me, I realized that I had seen that grin before, and that I had given her money for the exact same reason, that she wasn't some random crazy lady. I told her no and went inside and called 911, not that I felt any personal danger, but just because it's weird and at the neighborhood watch, they tell you to call any time you get a funny feeling.

I always feel guilty calling 911. I'd call another non-emergency number, but they won't give you one.

Anyway, they sent me a nice officer, who 'splained to me how if I see her before 9 p.m, they'll send a cruiser with a mental health professional and if it's necessary, they'll 1013 her for observation. Then I talked to him about the crackhouse and he gave me a number to call, which I did this morning. The man who answered was very nice, and said that based on what I was telling him, it sounded like a crackhouse, but he couldn't just come shut it down, and that every single time I hear a car peel out or see a bajillion cars there, I should call 911 and eventually they'd get aggravated and make an official request or get a search warrant, or being standing by to get someone on a traffic violation, opening the door for narcotics. I remarked that as crackneighbors go, I suppose they're pretty decent, insofar as they keep their grass cut and never give me any trouble. He said they usually are good neighbors, because they don't want to be noticed.

Then I went down to the courthouse with Leanne to look at some records. I'm feeling very municipal today. I might even call Pat Jackson and try to crank up that neighborhood watch thing again.

21 May 2002, 4:34 peeyem

We'll take all the desserts on the menu please:

before

after

fortunately, there were only three.

21 May 2002, 4:03 peeyem

My heart is about to pound right out of my chest. I went to the new Apple store today. I think I'm in love. I want everything in there, but mostly I want an iPod. Which I would then never use, or I would sort of use, because I would never bother to know all of its features.

20 May 2002, 4:13 peeyem

I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Only I think it's a train.

The man showed up to fix the tub! Huzzah! Not only did he fix it, he showed me how to fix it if it happens again. All for $35...it's a bargain at twice the price!

Saturday was CD burning day, but I couldn't figure out how to do it quite right. I think the CD burner thing might have to be like the postage meter in the office and I'll just have to accept that I can't operate either without calamitous results.

It's a sunny 70 degrees here in beautiful Atlanta and you'd think I'd be tickled bright orange about my tennis lesson in all this beautiful weather, but not so much. I really just want to take a nap. Or get a pedicure.

I believe I might need my hairs cut because I'm starting to look like a coconut again.

16 May 2002, 3:28 peeyem

I am up to my eyeballs at work. I've been working on some pieces for the book we just published, and it's making me noony. It's not that I'm not capable of doing the work, it's that there are a billion little pieces and the clutter is getting to me.

In exciting homeowner news, it is no longer possible to turn the hot water in the bathtub completely off. A gentleman I found in the paper is coming tomorrow to replace the knobs or whatever. I seem to have had water issues my whole life.

Got in traffic this morning next to a couple in the original Ford pickup. They looked just like American Gothic. He was shaving. I couldn't get the camera out fast enough to take a picture and then they changed lanes. I still think grooming in the car is safer than talking on the phone in the car.

14 May, 2002, 4:25 peeyem

Adventures in Driving

Last May, I got a Certificate for Expedience in Driving from two of Eufala, Alabama's finest. When I got back inside the Perimeter where I belong, I called the nice traffic court people in Barbour County to find out how much I owed them. $185.50, they said. I offered to give them a card number right on the phone, but they don't take a card. So I told them I'd send them a check. No, we don't take a check, they said, we only take money orders and cashier's checks.

You know what a pain in the ass it is to get a money order.

Finally I decided I'd better suck it up and handle it. So I called them to confirm the amount. $185.50. I went and got the money out of the bank and took myself off to Publix for the money order. Then I FedEx'd it to them, along with a self-addressed-stamped envelope to send me a receipt in.

Imagine my surprise when the receipt said I still owed them $72. I called them up and asked them why they didn't tell me that when I called. "I don't know," she said. I thought to myself, "I'm not sending them any damn more money," and promptly put it in the forgettery. After all, what could they do to me from over there?

Last week, a friend of mine had a little brush with the law. Another friend's brother got arrested for doing exactly what I did, which is refuse to send them any damn more money. And I'm going to Alabama over Memorial Day weekend with Leanne, which got me thinking that I might oughtta tie up any loose ends, lest I find myself a guest of the governor of the Great State of Alabama.

I fished out the receipt last Thursday and called the number, only to be told that I now owed them $93.60 instead of $72. Fine. Whatever. I FedEx'd them yet another money order and SASE. The lady on the phone told me that my license may or may not be suspended, but I could call the DMV and they could tell me, but she'd send me a clearance letter anyway.

Meanwhile, I got a letter on Saturday from the DA's office in Barbour County that said I had ten days to call them and set up a payment plan (I can send you $5 a month, your honor). The receipt came in the mail yesterday, and I spent a good half hour negotiating the treacherous menu system of the Georgia Department of Motor Vehicles Safety Division, only to get a recording that due to the nature of your suspension, your call is being transferred to an operator, whereupon I got a circuit busy signal FOUR TIMES.

Finally I spoke with a very nice lady who told me that I had to bring the clearance from Alabama and $35 and she'd take care of it for me. I was just about to hang up when she said, "Now, let me give you directions to our new office in Conyers." Sheesh. It used to be on Confederate Avenue, near the zoo (appropriately enough).

I went out there this morning. It's not a short journey. I was right at the Georgia International Horse whatever. But the facility was very nice and I didn't have to wait longer than about fourteen seconds. And the clientele was a less reprehensible class of reprobate than at the old place (no, this hasn't happened to me before, I had to go with someone else). I wasn't even afraid to sit on the seats.

Today's lesson is: If any branch or office of your government asks for money, give it to them right away. It's just easier.

13 May 2002, 11:28 ayem

It's a sickness, I tell you.

10 May 2002, 9:58 ayem

I have had about enough of the back aching. I have never had back problems, and presumably this one is only temporary, but I tell you, I have had enough of it. I can't get comfortable in any position.

ER last night was gut-wrenching, and I feel like a horrible daughter, which I very likely am.

(addendum: the long-awaited Saran Wrap Moving Extravaganza)

9 May 2002, 2:47 peeyem

The Ick on My Arm

This is the thing on my arm. Theoretically, the special bandage is supposed to retain moisture under there and make it heal. Who knows? All I can tell you is that when it's not covered, it hurts like a sumbitch. I'm supposed to leave it on there for a few days. It looks disgusting, doesn't it? If I were people seeing it in person, I might not be able to resist asking about it. I'm probably getting jungle rot or something.

Who else would let you see this without charging you a quarter?

I am supposed to be going to Shakespeare Tavern tonight, but I have wenged my back and don't think I can sit still long enough to see it all, so I'm skipping.

I didn't find anybody to take last night's tickets, and that makes me nuts. I have no idea why I get so sideways when tickets go to waste, but I do.

Back to the Photoshop mines.

8 May 2002, 6:03 peeyem

Dammit. Tickets to tonight's baseball game and now I can't use them. I can't find anyone to go with me, nor can I seem to push them off on anyone. This makes me nuts. I hate when tickets go to waste, hate, hate, hate it.

And I'm disappointed not to be going myself, because I've been looking forward to it.

I burned myself on a cookie sheet on Sunday morning and then managed to wipe the top of the blister off in the shower. I have these bandaids that are supposed to preserve the moisture, but it looks icky. I can't even figure what they're made of, but they aren't your standard bandaids...they feel like flesh.

7 May 2002, 6:04 peeyem

Ick. Art imitates life.

(note: I do NOT drink Tequiza. Or wine coolers, god forbid.)

7 May 2002, 1:06 peeyem

I am terribly, terribly far behind. I blame the fever.

I got a letter – an actual letter written on paper – in the mail yesterday from my friend Robby. He enclosed a few photographs, all of which I remember being taken.

I used to be on a mailing list with Robby and a bunch of other people from that group, but I took myself off because the generic banter seemed to be taking the place of the actual conversational process, kind of like when you send a postcard and think you've done your part. I worry that they think I took myself off because I don't want to be in touch with them, but it's the opposite. I want to be really in contact, on purpose, not because I don't happen to filter them all out.

6 May 2002, 4:01 peeyem

Bastiges!

I duly called on Friday after 4 for my lab results, just like I was told to. Everything was fine, except my potassium was elevated. But the lab tech said it was probably just a lab error and not to worry about it, so I put it right out of my mind. Then he left me a message that they'd all discussed it and decided they'd feel better if I came and had blood drawn again. Naturally, it was too late by this time to get any sort of information. I looked up potassium on the internet, and found that if it was too low it was kidney failure, and if it was too high it was heart failure. Then I went to bed, where I tossed and turned all night long. Eventually I was in such a swivet that I couldn't remember whether it was high or low, and my back was hurting and then my breastbone was hurting and I was near panic. So I took three Tylenol PM so I could be rested for my imminent death.

As you see, I'm still on this side of the dirt. The labs were wrong. The sample hemolyzed. This would have been good information on Friday, yes?

3 May 2002, 10:53 ayem

What I learned while running errands last night:

1. Just because something fits doesn't mean you should wear it.
2. There is no accounting for taste
3. No matter where you go or what you do or who you become, idiots are the same everywhere.
4. If there is a way to make a simple transaction take a long time, someone will find it.
5. The bigger the car, the more foolhardy the driver.

2 May 2002, 4:01 peeyem

First things first...yesterday was Michael W's birthday. I hope it was big fun.

I must have reached an age m'self, because I feel the need to share health information. I went to bed early Tuesday night, whereupon I tossed and turned and threw the covers around and couldn't get comfortable. I finally woke up at around 7 Wednesday morning, completely drenched. I figured my fever had broken, so I thought it might be prudent to stay home and lie on the sofa, which I'm good at anyway. All was well, or so I thought, until my temperature headed northward again. I took myself to the quickquack, only to be told I have an unspecified fever, likely some sort of virus, and bilirubin in my urine, which resulted in the drawing of several vials of blood.

The urine test was kinda fruity. There wasn't a wastepaper basket in there and the faucets were inoperable. ick.

I'm still reading April

I wasn't done with March!

Hey! What happened to February? It's Right Here.